I find myself sitting here at home in silence. It is not a comfortable place for me to be. I am more comfortable with music playing, the TV going or the sound of people talking in my house. I like to do things, to keep busy. And yet, lately I feel the silence pulling me.
Silence is scary because it means I am alone with my thoughts and lately I have not been very good company for myself.
I am not depressed but there is a melancholy that is hovering around the edges of my days. Most of the problem is my days are just too full of things right now. When they aren't full I numb myself through things like computer games and TV shows. All because I don't want to think and be alone with my thoughts...
You might wonder why. Honestly, I do to. Why do I run from the silence? In those quite moments when I allow the quiet to break through my busy schedule, I am... I think the word is lost.
When I am busy and running around like a chicken with my head cut off at least I feel like I am making a difference. Alone I ponder what difference and I really making in the great scheme of things.
I am so tired right now. Between Farrell's, work and ministry I am burning the candle at all ends. I am tried physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
So the silence is calling me to ask: why am I doing all of this? I am finding that right now only in the silence can I calm everything down enough to hear the voice of my Lord. Only in the quite can I wrestle with the questions that plague me about my purpose and identity.
So, tonight I will embrace the silence and fall in the arms of my Savior. He will hold me and as I gaze upon His face He will define me. He will let me know that no matter the fear that silence may hold I am never alone within it. In fact those times of silence when I am confused and feel alone are when I can hear His voice most clearly.
So speak, Lord Jesus, as all I hear is the ticking of the clock. Your voice I will seek out and hang on Your every word.
