Answered prayers and steps of faith

Sunday was invigorating, exhausting, overwhelming and melancholy.  Today I see a culmination of all of those prayers and struggles with a very specific answer to prayer.  (Sorry for being obtuse in the story telling, I don't want to give away who I am talking about)

To set the stage, I sang Sunday morning and as I am walking out after the music set I see an individual that is involved in a ministry I am also involved in crying.  I stop to see what is wrong, take her from the sanctuary to the conference room and proceed to have a great time of prayer asking God to do some pretty big things.  I had confidence that He could and would answer our prayers.  I leave and get ready to go when the other person we were wrestling in prayer for is seen by me and another mutual ministry partner and I felt that intervention was needed.  (This is not my natural response!)  I go and grab the first lady out of the sanctuary and we have over an hour long "counseling" session between the two of them.  I had NO idea what I was doing and was completely out of my comfort zone.  I leave this session knowing I was way out of my depth and lacking training for dealing with these types of interpersonal counseling skills.  I'll admit it, my faith that God would intervene to do big things was shaken.  I should have known, when I am weak He is strong!

I get a call tonight that one of the very thing we were asking for during our time of prayer was answered!  I hadn't heard anything since Sunday night so was getting a little down.  Yet God (I love those words!)... Yet God, was not being silent but was actively moving!  God answers prayers in powerful ways because He is a powerful God.

Even tonight, God is so gracious even when He is convicting me of my lack of faith!  In the above situation but also I finally started the application process for the class I am taking this fall.  Huge step of faith for me. 

This class put on by the Simeon Trust will teach me how to teach every type of literature in the Bible, even prophecy.  Yes, the thing I said I would never touch with a 10 foot pole.  I am stepping out in faith but wondering where these steps are taking me.  Is this just a nice little scenic detour or a different path for my future?  I honestly have no idea!  That is scary.  l like to have things planned out.  Of course I am sure the Lord laughs at my plans.  I mean when have my plans ever worked out the way I thought they would?  Answer: never. 

So I am now walking down a path I don't know where it leads, reminded that I can pray big prayers because I serve a Big God and convicted that I lack faith.  Well, God, I guess you have me right where you want me :)  I believe, please help my unbelief.

Gratefulness List

Thursday I took a day off work to have a retreat day.  Early that morning I received a text from a friend that said something along the lines of those that remember the blessings they have have a better life.  (sorry really bad paraphrase).  But she recommended creating a gratefulness journal.  Since I was on my way to a coffee shop to meet a friend I decided to start naming all the things I am thankful for.  Here are just a few things I wrote down:

• Family
• Friends - near and far (I have friends on almost every continent I could go visit)
• Mug N a Muffin
• Leadership at Grace (especially after today!)
• Good conversations with friends
• A cool day by the lake (which is where I was writing this)
• The word of God, living and active
• My Faith Family - brothers and sisters in Christ
• The "crazy aunts" and "weird uncles" I have at Grace
• Friends that love me enough to speak truth into my life
• God uses unlikely leaders to do great things for His name (Judges)
• His mercies are new every morning

The question is what are you grateful for?

Sitting in silence

I find myself sitting here at home in silence. It is not a comfortable place for me to be. I am more comfortable with music playing, the TV going or the sound of people talking in my house. I like to do things, to keep busy. And yet, lately I feel the silence pulling me.

Silence is scary because it means I am alone with my thoughts and lately I have not been very good company for myself.

I am not depressed but there is a melancholy that is hovering around the edges of my days. Most of the problem is my days are just too full of things right now. When they aren't full I numb myself through things like computer games and TV shows. All because I don't want to think and be alone with my thoughts...

You might wonder why. Honestly, I do to. Why do I run from the silence? In those quite moments when I allow the quiet to break through my busy schedule, I am... I think the word is lost.

When I am busy and running around like a chicken with my head cut off at least I feel like I am making a difference. Alone I ponder what difference and I really making in the great scheme of things.

I am so tired right now. Between Farrell's, work and ministry I am burning the candle at all ends. I am tried physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

So the silence is calling me to ask: why am I doing all of this? I am finding that right now only in the silence can I calm everything down enough to hear the voice of my Lord. Only in the quite can I wrestle with the questions that plague me about my purpose and identity.

So, tonight I will embrace the silence and fall in the arms of my Savior. He will hold me and as I gaze upon His face He will define me. He will let me know that no matter the fear that silence may hold I am never alone within it. In fact those times of silence when I am confused and feel alone are when I can hear His voice most clearly.

So speak, Lord Jesus, as all I hear is the ticking of the clock. Your voice I will seek out and hang on Your every word.

Fear and change...

It has been a while... Well a lot of things have happened since I last wrote. My roommate Kara just moved to San Diego. My other roommate Jenni just got engaged. Das was just in the hospital for an unexpected hip replacement. You could say that life is moving at a very fast pace lately. However I feel like it is happening all around me and I am standing still. I was telling some of the Mug n a Muffin ladies that I feel like a boulder in a stream. Everything is going on around me and all I am doing is getting hit by their changing life. I wanted an adventure. They were having ones, so why couldn't I? I didn't know what that adventure needed to be. (honestly I still don't) But while I am waiting my little mini adventure is ia am going to get back in shape. Scary! I have signed up for Farrels extreme body shaping and I am scared. First I am scared that I will get hurt. A totally legitimate fear I think. I mean three summers in a row on crutches will make anyone nervous. However the second one I know is complete malarkey. However, it is a fear I have. You see I have an issue with perfectionism (yes, I know that might be hard to believe, lol). But if I can't do something well I am afraid to do it at all. What happens if I fail? I know there isn't anything to fail at, and yet it is a fear I have none the less. I don't want to be enslaved to fear. But if I let it keep me from doing something, that is exactly the hold it has over me. So I claim the promise that the Lord has not given me a spirit of fear 2 Timothy 1:7. I am a slave to nothing but Christ alone. I willingly put myself under His rule and authority. If He wants this to happen I will obey. He has my best interest at heart and he will be with me, no matter the fear.