I had a blast hanging out with my parents, Ben and Brenda, but it was a tough day.
It started out with Greg giving a great message about Men being real men and stepping up to lead their wife and children. It really was a great message. I highly recommend listening to it if you were unable to. However, the only thing I kept thinking about was the fact that I didn't have a man like that in my life. I know that God's timing is perfect and he isn't "holding out on me" but today my singleness just really came and smashed me on the head. It has been a while since I have struggled like this.
I spent some time just crying out to God and just telling Him my hurts and worries. I know intellectually that He heard me, but sometimes I just wish He would speak audibly.
I was talking with a friend after Greg presented his message and sharing with her how I was really struggling. She asked me what I was going to do with this struggling. I told her, I don't know. Wow, I was brutally honest. Most of the time I would say all of the pat church answers, but I honestly don't know what to do with this. My heart hurts with loneliness. Even in a crowded room I sometimes feel all alone. It isn't anything that anyone does or doesn't do. I just feel like there is something lacking.
Now before you go and start telling me that Jesus is all that I need and no guy/relationship can or will fulfill me. I know and believe all of that. I have lost track of how many times I have counseled people with that. There are just times (a lot lately) that I just really crave companionship. To share goals and dreams with someone and not always have to be the strong one.
There was a song by Santus Real that was used as a video clip and a reprise by the praise team that has been running through my head ever since Thursday. Which was about the time I started really struggling... hmmm interesting. Here are the lyrics to the chorus:
“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”
It is a great song, but honestly it really sucks for a single girls. That is what I want! I don't believe that is something I shouldn't want. I want strong hands to hold me when I can't stand. Lately I have felt like a broken and bloody traveler along the side of the road. I seem to be getting pummeled from every direction. Beaten up by the depravity of my own sin, taunted by the enemy about my friends getting married and having children while I am still single. Thanks be to God that I am forgiven of my sin and His blood washes me white from it and He is my ever present help in time of need. Still I am unable to feel his arms around me.
I know that God will provide me with whatever I need. There are just times I feel like a fifth wheel. Like tonight as I hung out with my family. We ate out, went bowling then watched a movie to celebrate Father's day. Mom and Dad were walking hand in hand (so precious) and then Ben and Brenda were also walking hand in hand (Praise God for reconciliation). I was bringing up the rear... alone and lonely. I know it could be so much worse and I don't want to complain. I have been blessed SO much by God. I have so much to be thankful for! Yet my heart cries out like David:
Psalm 13
1 How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.
My heart is at the first couple of verses. I am working on getting to those last ones.
Jesus, I hurt. My heart aches and I am collapsed at your feet. I am sorry to be ungrateful, but I believe that you are big enough to take my hurt. I know that you heal broken hearts and that you draw close to those that hurt. I also know that my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways. For yours are much higher than my own. But Lord that intellectually knowledge doesn't put salve on this hurting heart. I need you to make this real. I claim the promise that You will give me peace that surpasses all understanding if I present my request to You. Here they are Lord, laid out for all the world to see. As scary as that is for me you want me to be real and authentic. Draw me close to You Lord and hold me in Your arms. I long for Your peace.
No comments:
Post a Comment