changes...

Today was a beautiful day. I had the windows open and let the breeze blow through the house. There is a change in the air. Spring has finally arrived.

This time of year also brings about other changes. A dear friend will be leaving the area to move to San Diego at the end of the month. Today after Mug N'a Muffin we had a "Celebrate Tomomi" party. It was a wonderful time of encouragement and fellowship. We grilled out and had some amazing food. Then took some time to brag on her in front of everyone. I don't believe that is was something that had ever happened to her before. She thinks too little of herself. So the opportunity to compliment her and let her know now much we have seen her grow in the past couple of years was, hopefully, encouraging. We were also able to add in some challenges when she moves. "Don't become a hermit." "Let people get to know you."

It got me thinking. Why are we so scared of people knowing the real us. I don't mean the happy smiling faces they see on Sunday mornings or Monday morning at work (after they have had their coffee). What are we afraid people will see?

Tomomi didn't want to get hurt so she holds herself away from people. It was about self preservation. Don't get too close because they will let you down or they will leave. I can understand where she is coming from. Especially living in such a transient community. New people coming in every year. They get their degree then go out into the "real world". My real world is here. If I don't grasp at the opportunities to make friends, if even for a short time, I won't have any around. IT makes it hard.

However, during our time of prayer over Tomomi the Lord really drove home with me that one day there won't be any goodbyes. Even if I don't see her again after she leaves later this month I will be able to rejoice with her in heaven. She is going to be dearly missed here in Iowa, but I am very excited to see what she does in San Diego.

Which leads me to the fact that one of my best friends is moving back to the area from Kansas City. YEAH! I helped them move into their temp apartment today. I am so excited for Missy and Joe to be back. I even get to FINALLY meet their boys. (About time!) But there is a change there to. When I first knew Missy she was a single gal that was serving the Lord at Grace and we would spend nights together just hanging out talking life. Now she has Joe and the boys with one more on the way. The way that I used to hang out with her has to change. (I am just totally excited to be able to hang out with her!) It will be awesome to get to know her again but it will be different and I need to keep reminding myself that.

Change is the ever constant. Nothing remains the same. Even though You are the same yesterday, today and forever, my understanding of You changes. The closer I grow to You the more I see how desperate I am for You. I see my sin and the way it pushes me from you. I want to change. I want the image of Your Son. I know it will be difficult and unpleasant at times when I am being refined by Your fire. But I want to change. I don't want to remain the same. I don't want my insecurities to push me from you. I want to truly believe You are able to meet my every need. Not just in knowing the words on an intellectual level, but experientially as well. I can not change on my own. Only You can change me. So Lord, teach me to be moldable clay in Your hands and renew my passoin for You and Your word.

They say...

They say that people are always promoted to the level of their incompetence. Whoever "they" are. So maybe I should say "it is said". Oh well.

Today was one of the days for me. I don't think I could have come up with the right answer if it came up and introduced itself. It is a very frustrating place to be. I think God is still trying to show me that work is an idol. Even though I have named it and identified it, I still seem to find myself worshiping it. A couple of weeks ago everything was "fine". I felt sure of my job. I "knew what I was doing". I understood the project. Today, if I touched it, something was wrong. Most of the time it wasn't my fault, but it is my place to fix it. And I had to keep reminding myself it is just data. The problem is that on the other end of that data is a person with hopes and dreams. They look to us to give them back their sight. My problem is I have been so caught up in fixing their sight, that I have forgotten that those I work with are blind, spiritually.

I have been placed in the lab for an express purpose. To bring God glory in all that I do. My attitude, my work ethic, everything, needs to show that I am a slave to Christ. Lately I would give my self a sub-par grade. I have been working hard, but my heart has not been in it. I have been perfectly content to sit at my desk and not have any interaction with anyone/anything except my computer. I say I don't like it (I really don't) but I don't go out of my way to get into the lab and talk to people. When I am in the lab I don't talk to anyone. I am trying to be a "good example" with my work ethic, but I am forgetting that I am on mission for a higher authority than my boss. I need to shift my focus. I need to remember that I am being paid by HHMI to be a missionary to the other people in the lab. I need to get into their lives. I need to get to know what they need and how they need to be ministered to. But I can't do it on my own strength. I can only do that by relying on Christ to be the source and living to please Him. I have not been doing a good time being plugged into that source. I have been "self sufficient." (That is just another word for being proud.) Pride is the root is so many of my sins...

Lord, forgive me of my "self sufficiency" and teach me to rely on Christ. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of the work you are doing. Open my eyes to see those you have placed around me as You see them. I need Your strength to step out in faith and take big risks for Your name and not my own.

Love letter

We are having an "anti-valentines" day party here tomorrow. I have not really had anything to do with planning it. Everyone is getting excited. We are going to have foods you should never have on a first day like bbq and things with a lot of garlic and onions. We might watch a movie (chick flicks totally not allowed). Some are going to dress up in costumes. I think I will just be in really baggy sweatpants and a hoodie. It will be a lot of fun.

However, I am trying to write a love letter from Jesus to give to these ladies. We are all currently single and some are a little bitter about that. I want to relay the joy and hope that I have in Jesus. I have to admit I am having some problems putting it into words. Perhaps I am not exactly sure what is supposed to go in a love letter. ;) Perhaps it is because I don't want it to read just like a lot of bible verses stuck together, but with a lot of biblical truths included. I don't know but here it is:
To my beautiful girl,

You have grown to be a splendid woman of excellence and my eyes fill when I see the virtues in your heart. Your eyes: don’t change them. Your lips: how lovely when they part in prayer. Your nose: so perfect in form. Your hands: so gentle to touch. I’ve caressed your face in your deepest sleep. I’ve held your heart close to mine. How beautiful you are my darling. Oh, how beautiful. I am enthralled with your beauty. You shape is beautiful because I knit you together and I don’t make mistakes. You are so precious to me that I have lovingly counted every hair on your head. I know the measure of your days and have great plans for you.

Any pain you have known I have walked with you through. Your loneliness: I have experienced it. Your shame: I have covered it. Your shattered dreams: I will redeem them. Your future: I hold in my hands. It may not be what you have planned, but my gifts are perfect and just what you need at the right time.

You are mine. I have bought you with the most costly thing that I have, my blood. Because of that you are my bride, clothed in white. I promise my devotion and grace. Nothing and no one can snatch you out of my hand. I love you with an unfailing love. I will never leave you and never forsake you.

I long to spend time with you. To hear your heart and have you hear mine. I long for you to rest in my arms. Do not let sin push us apart. I scan the horizon looking for you return. When will you turn back to me, my beautiful one? Remember how I rejoiced over you when we were first together? Remember your first love and return to me with your whole heart.

Patiently waiting.

Your heavenly husband,
Jesus

I am going to put it on a piece of construction paper and give it to each girl. I hope they like it.

Jesus, I pray that this is an accurate picture of what you are trying to tell us. I know you love us and I want these ladies to know that as well... If anything is miss-worded please redeem my failings. Thank you and I love you.

More Idols

Sunday Brooks said that we can identify our idols when people get in the way of them and we long to fight.

Today was a rough day. It is never easy to make an executive decision. It is even harder when you are in the process of explaining why you made that decision and one of the people's body language is practically yelling at you that they don't agree. Then to find out that you have been the topic of gossip through out the day all because of it... One more idol is graciously pointed out to me by the Lord.

I care way to much about what people think of me. I desire to be viewed as competent, self assured and most of all I want people to like me, think I am cool. Not that I am sure I have ever been cool. :)

So the question becomes how will I allow God to use this to make me into Christ's image? He was despised and rejected by men, even though he was their Creator. Yeah, you could say He was competent, with a capital C. How could He not be self assured? He was doing His Father's will. But people didn't like Him. He pointed out their flaws. He challenged their point of view. He was Holy and they were not. Now I am not saying that any of those things apply to me! I am saying, why do I think that I am any better than Jesus. He experienced hurt feelings, great grief, loneliness and was mocked. Why do I think that I will get through this life without experiencing the same things?

Whether the decision I made today was right or wrong. It doesn't matter. What matters is how will I react to being gossiped about and ridiculed. Will I whine and complain, or will I turn to Jesus and tell Him, "Thank you that you experience the same thing (to a worse degree) and yet did not sin." I choose the latter.

Thank You, Jesus. You have used this to show me that one more idol I have is how people view me. Thank You that I know how you view me. I am Yours and nothing in this world can snatch me from your hand. In You there is freedom and grace that covers all my feelings. You know my heart and You are much bigger than my circumstances. You are the only one worthy of sitting on the throne of my life. Move everything and everyone else aside and take your rightful place. I love you...

Brokenness is painful

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why you brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I will go through the valley
If You want me to

Now I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my own
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to

"If You Want Me To": Ginny Owens

Lord, I feel like I have been walking through that valley. It has been a desert and I have been thirsting, but instead of looking to You I have sought other things, working on the house, getting the next ministry event planned. Anything but sitting at your feet broken.

Being broken is painful. Sitting still is uncomfortable. I do not know how to rest in you. Yet that is where I need to be right now. It might be painful for a moment, but healing can only come after the splinter has been removed.

Shattering the idols of my heart makes me defensive. Using other people's remarks to point out those idols is painful. I have become so complacent with them sitting on my shelves that I no longer see them. I worship them without knowledge and give you the scraps. Shame on me! Then I have the nerve to complain of the blessings I see others have and completely overlook the blessings You have so richly showered upon me. How dare I! My arrogance and pride are like a toy a small child clings to. In doing so it keeps you are arms length. Forgive me...

Thank You, Father, that Your love covers my sins. In You I am forgiven and free. There is no condemnation for me because I am in you. Teach me to walk in assurance of that promise. You have proven, over and over again, that You are trustworthy. Remind me of your promises. Take the idols I have put up and smash them to pieces. Remove the hold they have on me by Your Grace. Deal with me gently, Father. Brokenness is painful. But heading Your voice makes it necessary and the healing that comes afterward is so sweet. Thank You...