They say that people are always promoted to the level of their incompetence. Whoever "they" are. So maybe I should say "it is said". Oh well.
Today was one of the days for me. I don't think I could have come up with the right answer if it came up and introduced itself. It is a very frustrating place to be. I think God is still trying to show me that work is an idol. Even though I have named it and identified it, I still seem to find myself worshiping it. A couple of weeks ago everything was "fine". I felt sure of my job. I "knew what I was doing". I understood the project. Today, if I touched it, something was wrong. Most of the time it wasn't my fault, but it is my place to fix it. And I had to keep reminding myself it is just data. The problem is that on the other end of that data is a person with hopes and dreams. They look to us to give them back their sight. My problem is I have been so caught up in fixing their sight, that I have forgotten that those I work with are blind, spiritually.
I have been placed in the lab for an express purpose. To bring God glory in all that I do. My attitude, my work ethic, everything, needs to show that I am a slave to Christ. Lately I would give my self a sub-par grade. I have been working hard, but my heart has not been in it. I have been perfectly content to sit at my desk and not have any interaction with anyone/anything except my computer. I say I don't like it (I really don't) but I don't go out of my way to get into the lab and talk to people. When I am in the lab I don't talk to anyone. I am trying to be a "good example" with my work ethic, but I am forgetting that I am on mission for a higher authority than my boss. I need to shift my focus. I need to remember that I am being paid by HHMI to be a missionary to the other people in the lab. I need to get into their lives. I need to get to know what they need and how they need to be ministered to. But I can't do it on my own strength. I can only do that by relying on Christ to be the source and living to please Him. I have not been doing a good time being plugged into that source. I have been "self sufficient." (That is just another word for being proud.) Pride is the root is so many of my sins...
Lord, forgive me of my "self sufficiency" and teach me to rely on Christ. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of the work you are doing. Open my eyes to see those you have placed around me as You see them. I need Your strength to step out in faith and take big risks for Your name and not my own.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Love letter
We are having an "anti-valentines" day party here tomorrow. I have not really had anything to do with planning it. Everyone is getting excited. We are going to have foods you should never have on a first day like bbq and things with a lot of garlic and onions. We might watch a movie (chick flicks totally not allowed). Some are going to dress up in costumes. I think I will just be in really baggy sweatpants and a hoodie. It will be a lot of fun.
However, I am trying to write a love letter from Jesus to give to these ladies. We are all currently single and some are a little bitter about that. I want to relay the joy and hope that I have in Jesus. I have to admit I am having some problems putting it into words. Perhaps I am not exactly sure what is supposed to go in a love letter. ;) Perhaps it is because I don't want it to read just like a lot of bible verses stuck together, but with a lot of biblical truths included. I don't know but here it is:
To my beautiful girl,
You have grown to be a splendid woman of excellence and my eyes fill when I see the virtues in your heart. Your eyes: don’t change them. Your lips: how lovely when they part in prayer. Your nose: so perfect in form. Your hands: so gentle to touch. I’ve caressed your face in your deepest sleep. I’ve held your heart close to mine. How beautiful you are my darling. Oh, how beautiful. I am enthralled with your beauty. You shape is beautiful because I knit you together and I don’t make mistakes. You are so precious to me that I have lovingly counted every hair on your head. I know the measure of your days and have great plans for you.
Any pain you have known I have walked with you through. Your loneliness: I have experienced it. Your shame: I have covered it. Your shattered dreams: I will redeem them. Your future: I hold in my hands. It may not be what you have planned, but my gifts are perfect and just what you need at the right time.
You are mine. I have bought you with the most costly thing that I have, my blood. Because of that you are my bride, clothed in white. I promise my devotion and grace. Nothing and no one can snatch you out of my hand. I love you with an unfailing love. I will never leave you and never forsake you.
I long to spend time with you. To hear your heart and have you hear mine. I long for you to rest in my arms. Do not let sin push us apart. I scan the horizon looking for you return. When will you turn back to me, my beautiful one? Remember how I rejoiced over you when we were first together? Remember your first love and return to me with your whole heart.
Patiently waiting.
Your heavenly husband,
Jesus
I am going to put it on a piece of construction paper and give it to each girl. I hope they like it.
Jesus, I pray that this is an accurate picture of what you are trying to tell us. I know you love us and I want these ladies to know that as well... If anything is miss-worded please redeem my failings. Thank you and I love you.
However, I am trying to write a love letter from Jesus to give to these ladies. We are all currently single and some are a little bitter about that. I want to relay the joy and hope that I have in Jesus. I have to admit I am having some problems putting it into words. Perhaps I am not exactly sure what is supposed to go in a love letter. ;) Perhaps it is because I don't want it to read just like a lot of bible verses stuck together, but with a lot of biblical truths included. I don't know but here it is:
To my beautiful girl,
You have grown to be a splendid woman of excellence and my eyes fill when I see the virtues in your heart. Your eyes: don’t change them. Your lips: how lovely when they part in prayer. Your nose: so perfect in form. Your hands: so gentle to touch. I’ve caressed your face in your deepest sleep. I’ve held your heart close to mine. How beautiful you are my darling. Oh, how beautiful. I am enthralled with your beauty. You shape is beautiful because I knit you together and I don’t make mistakes. You are so precious to me that I have lovingly counted every hair on your head. I know the measure of your days and have great plans for you.
Any pain you have known I have walked with you through. Your loneliness: I have experienced it. Your shame: I have covered it. Your shattered dreams: I will redeem them. Your future: I hold in my hands. It may not be what you have planned, but my gifts are perfect and just what you need at the right time.
You are mine. I have bought you with the most costly thing that I have, my blood. Because of that you are my bride, clothed in white. I promise my devotion and grace. Nothing and no one can snatch you out of my hand. I love you with an unfailing love. I will never leave you and never forsake you.
I long to spend time with you. To hear your heart and have you hear mine. I long for you to rest in my arms. Do not let sin push us apart. I scan the horizon looking for you return. When will you turn back to me, my beautiful one? Remember how I rejoiced over you when we were first together? Remember your first love and return to me with your whole heart.
Patiently waiting.
Your heavenly husband,
Jesus
I am going to put it on a piece of construction paper and give it to each girl. I hope they like it.
Jesus, I pray that this is an accurate picture of what you are trying to tell us. I know you love us and I want these ladies to know that as well... If anything is miss-worded please redeem my failings. Thank you and I love you.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
More Idols
Sunday Brooks said that we can identify our idols when people get in the way of them and we long to fight.
Today was a rough day. It is never easy to make an executive decision. It is even harder when you are in the process of explaining why you made that decision and one of the people's body language is practically yelling at you that they don't agree. Then to find out that you have been the topic of gossip through out the day all because of it... One more idol is graciously pointed out to me by the Lord.
I care way to much about what people think of me. I desire to be viewed as competent, self assured and most of all I want people to like me, think I am cool. Not that I am sure I have ever been cool. :)
So the question becomes how will I allow God to use this to make me into Christ's image? He was despised and rejected by men, even though he was their Creator. Yeah, you could say He was competent, with a capital C. How could He not be self assured? He was doing His Father's will. But people didn't like Him. He pointed out their flaws. He challenged their point of view. He was Holy and they were not. Now I am not saying that any of those things apply to me! I am saying, why do I think that I am any better than Jesus. He experienced hurt feelings, great grief, loneliness and was mocked. Why do I think that I will get through this life without experiencing the same things?
Whether the decision I made today was right or wrong. It doesn't matter. What matters is how will I react to being gossiped about and ridiculed. Will I whine and complain, or will I turn to Jesus and tell Him, "Thank you that you experience the same thing (to a worse degree) and yet did not sin." I choose the latter.
Thank You, Jesus. You have used this to show me that one more idol I have is how people view me. Thank You that I know how you view me. I am Yours and nothing in this world can snatch me from your hand. In You there is freedom and grace that covers all my feelings. You know my heart and You are much bigger than my circumstances. You are the only one worthy of sitting on the throne of my life. Move everything and everyone else aside and take your rightful place. I love you...
Today was a rough day. It is never easy to make an executive decision. It is even harder when you are in the process of explaining why you made that decision and one of the people's body language is practically yelling at you that they don't agree. Then to find out that you have been the topic of gossip through out the day all because of it... One more idol is graciously pointed out to me by the Lord.
I care way to much about what people think of me. I desire to be viewed as competent, self assured and most of all I want people to like me, think I am cool. Not that I am sure I have ever been cool. :)
So the question becomes how will I allow God to use this to make me into Christ's image? He was despised and rejected by men, even though he was their Creator. Yeah, you could say He was competent, with a capital C. How could He not be self assured? He was doing His Father's will. But people didn't like Him. He pointed out their flaws. He challenged their point of view. He was Holy and they were not. Now I am not saying that any of those things apply to me! I am saying, why do I think that I am any better than Jesus. He experienced hurt feelings, great grief, loneliness and was mocked. Why do I think that I will get through this life without experiencing the same things?
Whether the decision I made today was right or wrong. It doesn't matter. What matters is how will I react to being gossiped about and ridiculed. Will I whine and complain, or will I turn to Jesus and tell Him, "Thank you that you experience the same thing (to a worse degree) and yet did not sin." I choose the latter.
Thank You, Jesus. You have used this to show me that one more idol I have is how people view me. Thank You that I know how you view me. I am Yours and nothing in this world can snatch me from your hand. In You there is freedom and grace that covers all my feelings. You know my heart and You are much bigger than my circumstances. You are the only one worthy of sitting on the throne of my life. Move everything and everyone else aside and take your rightful place. I love you...
Monday, February 7, 2011
Brokenness is painful
The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why you brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I will go through the valley
If You want me to
Now I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
I will go through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my own
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone
So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to
"If You Want Me To": Ginny Owens
Lord, I feel like I have been walking through that valley. It has been a desert and I have been thirsting, but instead of looking to You I have sought other things, working on the house, getting the next ministry event planned. Anything but sitting at your feet broken.
Being broken is painful. Sitting still is uncomfortable. I do not know how to rest in you. Yet that is where I need to be right now. It might be painful for a moment, but healing can only come after the splinter has been removed.
Shattering the idols of my heart makes me defensive. Using other people's remarks to point out those idols is painful. I have become so complacent with them sitting on my shelves that I no longer see them. I worship them without knowledge and give you the scraps. Shame on me! Then I have the nerve to complain of the blessings I see others have and completely overlook the blessings You have so richly showered upon me. How dare I! My arrogance and pride are like a toy a small child clings to. In doing so it keeps you are arms length. Forgive me...
Thank You, Father, that Your love covers my sins. In You I am forgiven and free. There is no condemnation for me because I am in you. Teach me to walk in assurance of that promise. You have proven, over and over again, that You are trustworthy. Remind me of your promises. Take the idols I have put up and smash them to pieces. Remove the hold they have on me by Your Grace. Deal with me gently, Father. Brokenness is painful. But heading Your voice makes it necessary and the healing that comes afterward is so sweet. Thank You...
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why you brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I will go through the valley
If You want me to
Now I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
I will go through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my own
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone
So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to
"If You Want Me To": Ginny Owens
Lord, I feel like I have been walking through that valley. It has been a desert and I have been thirsting, but instead of looking to You I have sought other things, working on the house, getting the next ministry event planned. Anything but sitting at your feet broken.
Being broken is painful. Sitting still is uncomfortable. I do not know how to rest in you. Yet that is where I need to be right now. It might be painful for a moment, but healing can only come after the splinter has been removed.
Shattering the idols of my heart makes me defensive. Using other people's remarks to point out those idols is painful. I have become so complacent with them sitting on my shelves that I no longer see them. I worship them without knowledge and give you the scraps. Shame on me! Then I have the nerve to complain of the blessings I see others have and completely overlook the blessings You have so richly showered upon me. How dare I! My arrogance and pride are like a toy a small child clings to. In doing so it keeps you are arms length. Forgive me...
Thank You, Father, that Your love covers my sins. In You I am forgiven and free. There is no condemnation for me because I am in you. Teach me to walk in assurance of that promise. You have proven, over and over again, that You are trustworthy. Remind me of your promises. Take the idols I have put up and smash them to pieces. Remove the hold they have on me by Your Grace. Deal with me gently, Father. Brokenness is painful. But heading Your voice makes it necessary and the healing that comes afterward is so sweet. Thank You...
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Tonight my heart is heavy. My heart hurts for lost dreams, broken hearts and future trials I see coming into the lives of those I love dearly. Broken promises and being too easily satisfied with the what this world has to offer has ripped those I care about in two and all I see is carnage everywhere I look.
I know Lord that you are the beginning and the end. The One who died and is now alive again. I know that you are a great high priest that knows our trials. Tonight I just want to climb up in your lap and be held by my daddy. Daddy, make the pain go away...
I know Lord that you are the beginning and the end. The One who died and is now alive again. I know that you are a great high priest that knows our trials. Tonight I just want to climb up in your lap and be held by my daddy. Daddy, make the pain go away...
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Jesus Brought the Rain & A Revelation
I am sitting on my deck listening to music. Right now it is MercyMe with the song Bring the Rain. For those of you that don't know some of the lyrics are:
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
I have just come through one of "these" time...
And I can say that the Lord used the past week to draw me closer to Him.
I am astonished at my pride and selfishness. I know I shouldn't be. I am utterly depraved apart from Christ. Intellectually I know this, but Jesus held up a mirror and I saw myself for who I really was. I didn't shy away or turn my head. I let Him show me and I didn't like what I saw. In fact it made me sick. Thank you Jesus that I don't have to be that way and live like that.
Monday night we had bible study here. We are doing a study on Mary Magdalene. I think my group had a really great discussion. Well, I am not that sure if it was much of a discussion as me "preaching". I was getting fired up. It was so much fun. We were talking about the fact that no where in the Bible does it say that Mary Magdalene was a prostitute. We know that the Lord delivered her from 7 demons. One of the questions is are you disappointed that she was that "type" of bad girl? Honestly for me, not at all. In fact I like her more! I don't have that type of sin in my past so I have a difficult time relating to those that do. However, I have a been a slave to my sin and to Satan. It was before I came to know Christ. She was literally possessed my evil and Jesus freed her from that. I might not have been possessed my demons, but I have had my little secret sins that have seemed to rule my life and Jesus has set me free from them. I was kind of explaining this to the girls and I was getting really excited and a little giddy.
That is when I feel real joy. When I am telling someone about what Jesus has done for me, when I am telling someone about the difference He has made in my life, THAT is when I am truly living. How can I forget that? Why am I so easily swayed?
** Revelation**
I have come to the conclusion, THAT, for me, is what it means to live a full life.
What type of implications does that mean??? Ha, I have absolutely no idea :)
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
I have just come through one of "these" time...
And I can say that the Lord used the past week to draw me closer to Him.
I am astonished at my pride and selfishness. I know I shouldn't be. I am utterly depraved apart from Christ. Intellectually I know this, but Jesus held up a mirror and I saw myself for who I really was. I didn't shy away or turn my head. I let Him show me and I didn't like what I saw. In fact it made me sick. Thank you Jesus that I don't have to be that way and live like that.
Monday night we had bible study here. We are doing a study on Mary Magdalene. I think my group had a really great discussion. Well, I am not that sure if it was much of a discussion as me "preaching". I was getting fired up. It was so much fun. We were talking about the fact that no where in the Bible does it say that Mary Magdalene was a prostitute. We know that the Lord delivered her from 7 demons. One of the questions is are you disappointed that she was that "type" of bad girl? Honestly for me, not at all. In fact I like her more! I don't have that type of sin in my past so I have a difficult time relating to those that do. However, I have a been a slave to my sin and to Satan. It was before I came to know Christ. She was literally possessed my evil and Jesus freed her from that. I might not have been possessed my demons, but I have had my little secret sins that have seemed to rule my life and Jesus has set me free from them. I was kind of explaining this to the girls and I was getting really excited and a little giddy.
That is when I feel real joy. When I am telling someone about what Jesus has done for me, when I am telling someone about the difference He has made in my life, THAT is when I am truly living. How can I forget that? Why am I so easily swayed?
** Revelation**
I have come to the conclusion, THAT, for me, is what it means to live a full life.
What type of implications does that mean??? Ha, I have absolutely no idea :)
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Tough Day and brutal honesty
I had a blast hanging out with my parents, Ben and Brenda, but it was a tough day.
It started out with Greg giving a great message about Men being real men and stepping up to lead their wife and children. It really was a great message. I highly recommend listening to it if you were unable to. However, the only thing I kept thinking about was the fact that I didn't have a man like that in my life. I know that God's timing is perfect and he isn't "holding out on me" but today my singleness just really came and smashed me on the head. It has been a while since I have struggled like this.
I spent some time just crying out to God and just telling Him my hurts and worries. I know intellectually that He heard me, but sometimes I just wish He would speak audibly.
I was talking with a friend after Greg presented his message and sharing with her how I was really struggling. She asked me what I was going to do with this struggling. I told her, I don't know. Wow, I was brutally honest. Most of the time I would say all of the pat church answers, but I honestly don't know what to do with this. My heart hurts with loneliness. Even in a crowded room I sometimes feel all alone. It isn't anything that anyone does or doesn't do. I just feel like there is something lacking.
Now before you go and start telling me that Jesus is all that I need and no guy/relationship can or will fulfill me. I know and believe all of that. I have lost track of how many times I have counseled people with that. There are just times (a lot lately) that I just really crave companionship. To share goals and dreams with someone and not always have to be the strong one.
There was a song by Santus Real that was used as a video clip and a reprise by the praise team that has been running through my head ever since Thursday. Which was about the time I started really struggling... hmmm interesting. Here are the lyrics to the chorus:
“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”
It is a great song, but honestly it really sucks for a single girls. That is what I want! I don't believe that is something I shouldn't want. I want strong hands to hold me when I can't stand. Lately I have felt like a broken and bloody traveler along the side of the road. I seem to be getting pummeled from every direction. Beaten up by the depravity of my own sin, taunted by the enemy about my friends getting married and having children while I am still single. Thanks be to God that I am forgiven of my sin and His blood washes me white from it and He is my ever present help in time of need. Still I am unable to feel his arms around me.
I know that God will provide me with whatever I need. There are just times I feel like a fifth wheel. Like tonight as I hung out with my family. We ate out, went bowling then watched a movie to celebrate Father's day. Mom and Dad were walking hand in hand (so precious) and then Ben and Brenda were also walking hand in hand (Praise God for reconciliation). I was bringing up the rear... alone and lonely. I know it could be so much worse and I don't want to complain. I have been blessed SO much by God. I have so much to be thankful for! Yet my heart cries out like David:
Psalm 13
1 How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.
My heart is at the first couple of verses. I am working on getting to those last ones.
Jesus, I hurt. My heart aches and I am collapsed at your feet. I am sorry to be ungrateful, but I believe that you are big enough to take my hurt. I know that you heal broken hearts and that you draw close to those that hurt. I also know that my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways. For yours are much higher than my own. But Lord that intellectually knowledge doesn't put salve on this hurting heart. I need you to make this real. I claim the promise that You will give me peace that surpasses all understanding if I present my request to You. Here they are Lord, laid out for all the world to see. As scary as that is for me you want me to be real and authentic. Draw me close to You Lord and hold me in Your arms. I long for Your peace.
It started out with Greg giving a great message about Men being real men and stepping up to lead their wife and children. It really was a great message. I highly recommend listening to it if you were unable to. However, the only thing I kept thinking about was the fact that I didn't have a man like that in my life. I know that God's timing is perfect and he isn't "holding out on me" but today my singleness just really came and smashed me on the head. It has been a while since I have struggled like this.
I spent some time just crying out to God and just telling Him my hurts and worries. I know intellectually that He heard me, but sometimes I just wish He would speak audibly.
I was talking with a friend after Greg presented his message and sharing with her how I was really struggling. She asked me what I was going to do with this struggling. I told her, I don't know. Wow, I was brutally honest. Most of the time I would say all of the pat church answers, but I honestly don't know what to do with this. My heart hurts with loneliness. Even in a crowded room I sometimes feel all alone. It isn't anything that anyone does or doesn't do. I just feel like there is something lacking.
Now before you go and start telling me that Jesus is all that I need and no guy/relationship can or will fulfill me. I know and believe all of that. I have lost track of how many times I have counseled people with that. There are just times (a lot lately) that I just really crave companionship. To share goals and dreams with someone and not always have to be the strong one.
There was a song by Santus Real that was used as a video clip and a reprise by the praise team that has been running through my head ever since Thursday. Which was about the time I started really struggling... hmmm interesting. Here are the lyrics to the chorus:
“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”
It is a great song, but honestly it really sucks for a single girls. That is what I want! I don't believe that is something I shouldn't want. I want strong hands to hold me when I can't stand. Lately I have felt like a broken and bloody traveler along the side of the road. I seem to be getting pummeled from every direction. Beaten up by the depravity of my own sin, taunted by the enemy about my friends getting married and having children while I am still single. Thanks be to God that I am forgiven of my sin and His blood washes me white from it and He is my ever present help in time of need. Still I am unable to feel his arms around me.
I know that God will provide me with whatever I need. There are just times I feel like a fifth wheel. Like tonight as I hung out with my family. We ate out, went bowling then watched a movie to celebrate Father's day. Mom and Dad were walking hand in hand (so precious) and then Ben and Brenda were also walking hand in hand (Praise God for reconciliation). I was bringing up the rear... alone and lonely. I know it could be so much worse and I don't want to complain. I have been blessed SO much by God. I have so much to be thankful for! Yet my heart cries out like David:
Psalm 13
1 How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.
My heart is at the first couple of verses. I am working on getting to those last ones.
Jesus, I hurt. My heart aches and I am collapsed at your feet. I am sorry to be ungrateful, but I believe that you are big enough to take my hurt. I know that you heal broken hearts and that you draw close to those that hurt. I also know that my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways. For yours are much higher than my own. But Lord that intellectually knowledge doesn't put salve on this hurting heart. I need you to make this real. I claim the promise that You will give me peace that surpasses all understanding if I present my request to You. Here they are Lord, laid out for all the world to see. As scary as that is for me you want me to be real and authentic. Draw me close to You Lord and hold me in Your arms. I long for Your peace.
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