Tonight my heart is heavy. My heart hurts for lost dreams, broken hearts and future trials I see coming into the lives of those I love dearly. Broken promises and being too easily satisfied with the what this world has to offer has ripped those I care about in two and all I see is carnage everywhere I look.

I know Lord that you are the beginning and the end. The One who died and is now alive again. I know that you are a great high priest that knows our trials. Tonight I just want to climb up in your lap and be held by my daddy. Daddy, make the pain go away...

Jesus Brought the Rain & A Revelation

I am sitting on my deck listening to music. Right now it is MercyMe with the song Bring the Rain. For those of you that don't know some of the lyrics are:

It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
I have just come through one of "these" time...

And I can say that the Lord used the past week to draw me closer to Him.
I am astonished at my pride and selfishness. I know I shouldn't be. I am utterly depraved apart from Christ. Intellectually I know this, but Jesus held up a mirror and I saw myself for who I really was. I didn't shy away or turn my head. I let Him show me and I didn't like what I saw. In fact it made me sick. Thank you Jesus that I don't have to be that way and live like that.

Monday night we had bible study here. We are doing a study on Mary Magdalene. I think my group had a really great discussion. Well, I am not that sure if it was much of a discussion as me "preaching". I was getting fired up. It was so much fun. We were talking about the fact that no where in the Bible does it say that Mary Magdalene was a prostitute. We know that the Lord delivered her from 7 demons. One of the questions is are you disappointed that she was that "type" of bad girl? Honestly for me, not at all. In fact I like her more! I don't have that type of sin in my past so I have a difficult time relating to those that do. However, I have a been a slave to my sin and to Satan. It was before I came to know Christ. She was literally possessed my evil and Jesus freed her from that. I might not have been possessed my demons, but I have had my little secret sins that have seemed to rule my life and Jesus has set me free from them. I was kind of explaining this to the girls and I was getting really excited and a little giddy.

That is when I feel real joy. When I am telling someone about what Jesus has done for me, when I am telling someone about the difference He has made in my life, THAT is when I am truly living. How can I forget that? Why am I so easily swayed?

** Revelation**
I have come to the conclusion, THAT, for me, is what it means to live a full life.

What type of implications does that mean??? Ha, I have absolutely no idea :)

Tough Day and brutal honesty

I had a blast hanging out with my parents, Ben and Brenda, but it was a tough day.

It started out with Greg giving a great message about Men being real men and stepping up to lead their wife and children. It really was a great message. I highly recommend listening to it if you were unable to. However, the only thing I kept thinking about was the fact that I didn't have a man like that in my life. I know that God's timing is perfect and he isn't "holding out on me" but today my singleness just really came and smashed me on the head. It has been a while since I have struggled like this.

I spent some time just crying out to God and just telling Him my hurts and worries. I know intellectually that He heard me, but sometimes I just wish He would speak audibly.

I was talking with a friend after Greg presented his message and sharing with her how I was really struggling. She asked me what I was going to do with this struggling. I told her, I don't know. Wow, I was brutally honest. Most of the time I would say all of the pat church answers, but I honestly don't know what to do with this. My heart hurts with loneliness. Even in a crowded room I sometimes feel all alone. It isn't anything that anyone does or doesn't do. I just feel like there is something lacking.

Now before you go and start telling me that Jesus is all that I need and no guy/relationship can or will fulfill me. I know and believe all of that. I have lost track of how many times I have counseled people with that. There are just times (a lot lately) that I just really crave companionship. To share goals and dreams with someone and not always have to be the strong one.

There was a song by Santus Real that was used as a video clip and a reprise by the praise team that has been running through my head ever since Thursday. Which was about the time I started really struggling... hmmm interesting. Here are the lyrics to the chorus:

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

It is a great song, but honestly it really sucks for a single girls. That is what I want! I don't believe that is something I shouldn't want. I want strong hands to hold me when I can't stand. Lately I have felt like a broken and bloody traveler along the side of the road. I seem to be getting pummeled from every direction. Beaten up by the depravity of my own sin, taunted by the enemy about my friends getting married and having children while I am still single. Thanks be to God that I am forgiven of my sin and His blood washes me white from it and He is my ever present help in time of need. Still I am unable to feel his arms around me.

I know that God will provide me with whatever I need. There are just times I feel like a fifth wheel. Like tonight as I hung out with my family. We ate out, went bowling then watched a movie to celebrate Father's day. Mom and Dad were walking hand in hand (so precious) and then Ben and Brenda were also walking hand in hand (Praise God for reconciliation). I was bringing up the rear... alone and lonely. I know it could be so much worse and I don't want to complain. I have been blessed SO much by God. I have so much to be thankful for! Yet my heart cries out like David:

Psalm 13
1 How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

My heart is at the first couple of verses. I am working on getting to those last ones.

Jesus, I hurt. My heart aches and I am collapsed at your feet. I am sorry to be ungrateful, but I believe that you are big enough to take my hurt. I know that you heal broken hearts and that you draw close to those that hurt. I also know that my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways. For yours are much higher than my own. But Lord that intellectually knowledge doesn't put salve on this hurting heart. I need you to make this real. I claim the promise that You will give me peace that surpasses all understanding if I present my request to You. Here they are Lord, laid out for all the world to see. As scary as that is for me you want me to be real and authentic. Draw me close to You Lord and hold me in Your arms. I long for Your peace.

Memories and Home

Yesterday my parent's had to put my dog back home down. He was old. To be honest we were surprised he made it though the winter. But as I sit here in my new home it almost feels fitting. Old things die, new things come and change is the only constant. However that isn't the way that it was supposed to be. Some times I just long for heaven. This is one of those mornings.

To not have things die and be gone. For the only thing to be changing is me and how well I know my Savior. Oh, how I long for that day. For the worries of this world to pass away and all things come into focus because I will see Jesus face to face. I will understand what it says in 1 Corinthians 13 when is states, "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."

I admit I don't understand what that means. I know what it says, but to understand that I am fulling known and live my life with that assurance... To be confident in God's plan that it is what is in fact best for be because I am fully known...

This house that I am sitting in isn't quite a home yet. There are too many boxes around and too many places and things that haven't been cleaned by me. And yet, this is my home. God has graciously given to me. I didn't deserve it. But he had it to be and His hand has been so evident in the entire event. He knew what I wanted better than I did. He knows this is a learning opportunity. What will it take for me to make this home. How can this become a home when I am an alien in this world and all I do is long for my heavenly home... What does this portion of my full life adventure look like?

I don't know, but I rest in the fact that He does and that is good enough for me.

Pray, Just Pray... closing day

I was killing time in Kohl’s as I was waiting to sign paperwork for my new house. I admit it I was stressing and not really paying much attention. All of the sudden I heard this song on their PA system. Now usually I don’t pay much attention to the canned music that is in stores. I worked at Sears for too many years to really have much appreciation for the Musak that is going on. However the words struck me on this song. I had never heard it before. It was something like:

Pray, just pray. Take the weight off your shoulders and put it on me…

I will have to look up that song when I get home.

It really struck me. I hadn’t been seeking His face as everything is in the process of being wrapped up with this gift He has provided for me. I was so caught up in the details that I forgot the author of this entire event. How arrogant of me.

Lord, thank you that you are an awesome God who loves me more than I deserve. You have blessed me with amazing family and friends. They pitch in with so little asking and give some much of themselves. You have provided this house. I pray that I am able to remember it as a monument to the blessings that you so freely give. I have such a skewed view of your character. Forgive me for my pride in thinking that I have You all “figured out”. Your character is so much more than I give You credit for. I put you in a box that makes me comfortable and You are not confined to a box and you are not a comfortable God. You are an all consuming fire, a Jealous God that wants all of me. Yet, I am so unwilling to let you have even a portion. Thank you for all that you have done on my behalf and make me a grateful woman that desires you!

OK, so I got home and looked up the song. It isn’t “Pray, just Pray” It was Breath by Ryan Star. I totally got the words wrong by listening, but that even makes it so much funnier ☺ and totally God.

Long Day

Ever have a day when it seems like it takes forever? Today was one of those days. I was/am so stressed about this move that I was in a really bad mood all day. It was like if anyone got in my way I was going to take their head off. Not a good place to be. So I came home, fixed some food and spent some time in the Word.

For Mug n' a Muffin bible study we are working on the names of God. This is the last week and I finished the prep work for it tonight. We are looking at God is my Banner and El Shaddi (God Almighty). Looking at these attributes reminded me that my momentary stress is nothing to get worked up about. God has been so evident in me getting this house. Why do I doubt that He would see it through to the end? Even if for some reason this was not to be then His plan would be better than mine. I really do believe that, but sometimes I need to remind myself.

Psalm 91

1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

2 I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

Lord, I want to trust. I want to rest in You, even when this world is pulling me in so many directions. I want to believe, please help my unbelief.

Sunday nights are always one of my favorite times of the week. It is a time to get together with my faith family. God has really been showing me lately that even though I am single I have a family. It is made up of more than just my mom and dad, Ben and Brenda. I have a group of beloved aunts, uncles and cousins. Those aunts, uncles and cousins do not share any portion of my DNA, but we share something much more important. We share blood. Namely the Blood of Christ. I feel closer to this family than to my own sometimes.

I can share things that God is teaching me and they can share encouragement that I know will be backed up with a scriptural background. They have been pursuing His face that week so that when I have a request or question I know that I can feel secure in the answer. That doesn't mean that I can not continue to compare it scripture, but at least I know that scripture is something that probably has gone through their head before it comes out of their mouth.

Which leads me to the sermon this morning. Brooks said a couple of things that really go me this morning. Here are the quotes I wrote down (of course paraphrased)

How is it that we know that the internet (the information superhighway) is full of garbage and yet assume that the cosmic, spiritual realm is not full of garbage?

Supernatural does not equal divine.

Both of these sayings made me think a lot about Ben and Brenda. They are blinded to the Truth with their new age "stuff"! I have forgotten about that for so long. I have not been faithful about interceding for them. Since a little bit of reconciliation has been occurring with my family I have lost the passion to pray for them that I once had. There was a time that I would burst into tears when thinking about them. I have become so hardened against them. Thank you, Lord, that You love them so much more than I do. Please draw them to You and show up in their lives in ways that cannot be explained away. I know that no one comes to You unless you have drawn them and I also know that You desire that none should perish. Lord, move! Woo them to you and put a fire in their hearts that cannot be quenched except by You. For that matter, put a fire in me that cannot be quenched by anything but You!

I know I posted it earlier this week, but make this the prayer of my heart.
Psalm 27:4
One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.

Thursday of Thanksgiving

God has let the encouragement from the body of Christ roll this week.

I have received a couple of thank you cards in the mail in the past couple of days. Snail Mail! Gotta love it. They have been really encouraging. And both were about the woman's conference. Diane sent me one and she didn't even go to the conference. I had shared at our Faith Family about how I was just feeling under attack since sharing my testimony. Satan has really just been hitting me saying that I shared too much and that people are going to look at me differently. I received a card saying that she was sure that I had been used at the conference and just very kindly reminding me it wasn't about what others thought but what God thought of what I had shared.

Later this week I got a message from Facebook from Deb. She thanked me for being honest in my testimony and told me it was funny because she already saw me as a "beautiful woman of God even before the conference" Her message came to my inbox at work in two messages. The second part that started with funny came first before the previous letter. Here I am sitting at my desk at work reading my email with tears streaming down my face! Goodness!

The last thing was a letter I received today from Amy and her mom Laura. I have a lot of respect for this family. They are an amazing family of God and that is very evident in the family dynamics and just their interactions with everyone. Both Amy and Laura had portions of the card they wrote. Again I was thanked for being vulnerable and honest. It must really be counter-cultural to be transparent with people, because that seems to be the thing I am thanked for the most. Why are we so afraid to let people see the real us? It was hard to share my testimony but at the same time freeing! This who I am. A sinner saved by grace and very messed up in a lot of ways, but a work in progress with Jesus as my author. Maybe I will post my testimony... The only thing then is that it will be out there for the whole world to see... I guess I am not as transparent as I try to make out I am.

Thank you Jesus that my identity is in You and You alone. Thank you that there is nothing good in me apart from You. That takes a lot if the pressure off of me. I need to live according to you and you will do mighty works in and through me. Make me willing to be used by you.

Psalm 27

This morning I am reading through the Psalms and read 27 and 28. My faith family is reading through a Psalm a day and then discussing it. I went back to 27 because I missed reading it yesterday. These were the two verses that stuck out to me:

⁴ One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.

¹⁴ Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

The first verse is in an old Beautiful Feet CD and I memorized many moons ago. It always gave comfort and I have used it as a prayer before. The 14th verse I also know. But it is difficult wait.

I feel like I am in a waiting period right now and I am not exactly sure why. Things are going great. I am moving in a couple weeks into a new house. My job is going really well. I finally think I know who God has created me to be, a leader. I just got done with helping plan a great woman's retreat for Grace. Is it because I feel like all of these things are coming to a head and I don't know what the next step is? A friend last night put as her status she is tired of the same 'ol. Is that what my fear is? The same 'ol.

Lord, I don't know what the future holds, but You do. You don't desire for me to live a mundane life. You can transform the most mundane thing like folding laundry in to divine things. Please teach me that. Make the cry of my heart to ask only one thing, to gaze upon the beauty of Your face and to seek you above all else.

First Attempts

I have no idea what I am doing. However, that has never stopped me before.
I have just recently turned 30 and I have decided to take God at His word. In John 10:10 Jesus says, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

What does a full life look like? What does it mean to have a heart like John the Baptizer and say "He must increase and I must decrease."? I don't really know. All I know is that I have tried to do it my way for 30 years. They have been a great 30 years, but I am tired of the same old boring life. You know the one I am talking about. Get up, get dress, go to work, come home, make supper and go to bed. I want my life to matter. I know the only way for that to occur is if I am letting my Savior Jesus lead that path.

I don't know where this experiment will take me. I don't know what He has planned. What I do know is that His word is true and it is about time I take Him at His word.

So here we go, Lord. You are the author and main character in this play called life. Teach me to be a supporting cast member that You have decided to use. Prepare me as the curtain is about to go up.